Ideally speaking, I would be an idiot to go for a GI Joe movie and expect sense out of it, but then Retaliation had me laughing so hard, that I had to write this out.
This is what the film is made up of:
Actors trying to look cool while spouting meaningless patriotism in dialogue, Bruce Willis showing off his arsenal (snigger!) hidden under the kitchen table, Adrianne Palicki showing cleavage that goes up to her navel, followed by random explosions and a world domination plan which is foiled at the last minute.
Oh! And Ninjas.
The film picks immortal characters from the popular toy range/cartoon series, manages to get together the worst ensemble cast possible, then proceeds to ruin the awesomeness of the source material for the new generation of Joe-watchers. The only reason why one should waste money on this half-assed attempt at a Joe film is to see just how bad it can be.
The fact that the director, Jon Chu, had previously made visual masterpieces like Step Up 2, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, should be evidence enough to figure out how good this film might be. But I do admire Chu’s treatment of the Ninjas in his film (except that they keep using guns rather than swords and that RZA randomly starts talking in rapster-ese while pretending to be a Japanese martial arts master). That fancy Ninja-fight scene that everyone has been talking about so much, yeah its only more awesome than what you could ever dream of.
Coming to the actors now.
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Roadblock: I’m guessing The Rock’s discussion with the director, prior to the film, would have been something like this!
The Rock: “So I think I want to portray Roadblock as this really sensitive dude! You know? Like some serious method acting!”
The Rock: WHY DOES NO ONE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?!
Director: Fiiine! You can flash heavy artillery on screen. Happy?!
The Rock: Yaaaaayyy!
Adrianne Palicki as Lady Jaye: Palicki’s character hates the fact that women are considered inferior to men in the armed forces. So to get back at the system, she keeps flashing her cleavage. All. The. Time.
D.J. Cotrona as Flint: Now I have always thought of Flint as one of the most badass characters in the GI Joe storyline, but Controna’s role is so limited, The Rock’s left bicep looked more important. Controna’s only job is to look good through the film, while trying to hit on Palicki, who is about three and a half foot taller than him.
Ray Park as Snake Eyes: I would have really written nice things about Ray Park for this film, only if we could somehow SEE HIS FREAKIN’ FACE! Unfortunately that is the curse of playing Snake Eyes, nobody believes it was you!
Lee Byung-Hun as Storm Shadow: Probably the only redeeming factor in the film. Lee exudes the same amount of awesomeness and charisma that Storm Shadow has in the GI Joe series.
Elodie Yung as Jinx: I still don’t understand how a Japanese swordswoman would have an English accent. She probably was trained by RZA. But all in all, pathetic role. Her dialogues had less impact than Snake Eyes’. WHO DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK!
Bruce Willis as General Joe Colton: With this film, Bruce Willis has officially attained Alok Nath status in Hollywood action films. He is just there, pretending to be the big daddy who knows everything there is to know about gun fights and looking cool.
Final Verdict: Go and have a hearty laugh, but be sure to choose a cheap theater.