We are nearing that day of the year when gift stores all around the country get overburdened with excited youngsters trying to buy the best gifts available. But enough about my birthday, this post is about Valentine’s Day. Now its been a while since I have been observing this fateful day and all I’ve noticed is that as the years roll by, people tend to get crazier and crazier with their Valentine’s Day celebrations. Last year I met a couple who celebrated this day by gifting each other stones, not pebbles, stones!
As I go through the weirdness of these various couples, I thank the Lord Almighty to have helped me stay single. Now that Valentine’s Day is so close, I list the 10 best things which single people can do without looking obnoxious or…okay fine you guys will look really obnoxious doing these things. But do them no! Fun will become!
10) Watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Or as girls like to call it, Tuesday. Trust me, there is no Hindi movie which says, “I want to stay single on Valentine’s Day” like KKHH. Because you know, when you’re in love you end up either having the hots for your best friend and/or die writing letters to your underling. (I don’t know if you noticed but Tina from KKHH and Sarah Connor from Terminator = Same Guy).
9) Randomly Sneak Up On Couples: Considering it is the 14th of February, parks and coffee stores will obviously be taken on contract by couples who couldn’t rent a hotel room. Go hide behind them and just when they have a romantic pause in their conversation, jump out saying, “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!” That should keep them away from the love-struck behaviour. For added effect start shouting at them about Indian culture while wearing a saffron muffler.
8) Display your hatred: Wear a shirt saying, “Valentine’s Day is the Devil’s Birthday”, or “God Hates People With Pink Hearts”. Its not like people verify anything related to religion in this country. Who knows, maybe you’ll start a cult of haters and then all of you can plot about taking over the world together, or just sit down and play scrabble.
7) Sabotage Love Letters: Just because you’re single, your friends automatically start treating you like a guy from Professional Couriers. I say take up any such opportunity which comes your way. Just before the gift reaches its intended destination, tweak it. This will ensure that you’re never treated like the Maine Pyaar Kiya dove. It will also ensure that you will not have friends, but hey if your friends can’t take a practical joke, you are better off alone.
6) College Humour: If you’re a college student and you see this guy professing love to his crush in some sweet corner on campus, you should try this. Go up to them and start talking about things like life insurance, education loans and retirement plans. Once the guy looks perplexed enough, tell the girl that he is not fully prepared for a happy life ahead. For practice, view Irfan Khan and Amitabh Bachchan ads.
5) Band Baaja Baarat: As soon as you spot your target couple, walk up to them and introduce yourself as a newbie wedding planner. Start talking to them about a special theme wedding. Tell them how everything at this wedding would be designed around Indian sweets and you would throw in some sugar syrup for free. Convince them that you can and you will plan their wedding till the end.
4) Let’s Breakup!: Randomly walk up to a couple and say this while looking at the guy, “I think we both know that we should have ended this”. Give a deep sigh while looking at the girl and walk away immediately without waiting for a response. This should ideally work if you’re a girl, but hey whatever rocks your boat man!
3) I’m Pregnant: This should work as a supplementary to the previous point. Go to a restaurant where you will definitely find a couple sitting, looking for some peace. Walk up to the table and start weeping. I don’t think I need to explain the rest of the plan. Make sure you explain yourself after you have had enough fun, because you know, you may get beaten up.
2) Skin A Bear: LOL! Don’t you go skinning a real bear, that shit is illegal in India. What I mean’t was toy bears. I hate pink teddy bears at gift stores, just like I hate pigeons in the sky. Which wise guy decided to have a carnivorous creature of the wild be turned into a soft toy anyway? Skin those little bastards. Not only will it put up a barbaric image of you in front of people you know, it will also make you Forever Alone. Yay! By the way, if you do this, don’t claim to know me, okay? Okay!
1) Don’t Care: The best thing you can do on Valentine’s Day is to not care a damn. Chill out a little and just don’t bother yourself with the lack of intelligence in your fellow beings. This way, not only will you come across as a sane individual, it also multiplies the attractive quotient of your personality = You get laid more often.